PS 3129 

\ .W465 

W No. CXXXV. 

Copy * 



MINOR DRAMA 



NOTHING TO NURSE: 



g^tt (irigittal Jarte, ht $hu %ti 



BY CHARLES M. WALCOT. 



WITH CAST OF CHARACTERS,. STAGE BUSINESS, COSTUMES, 
RELATIVE POSITIONS, &c, &c. 



AS PERFORMED AT 

LAURA KEENE'S THEATRE, N. Y. ; SEPTEMBER, 1857. 



NEW-YORK: 

SAMUEL FRENCH, 

122 Nassau Street, (Up Stairs.) 
PRICE,] [12* CENTS. 



FRENCH'S STANDARD DRAMA. 

Price 12£ Cents each. — Bound Volumes $1*. 




__Jj * 




VOL. I. 


VOL. II. 


VOL. III. 


1. Ion, 


9. The Stranger, 


17. The Poor Gentleman, 


2. Fazio, 


10. Grandfather Whitehead 


18. Hamlet, 


3. The Lady of Lyons, 


11. Richard III., 


19. Charles II., 


[ 4. Richelieu, 


12. Love's Sacrifice, 


20. Venice Preserved, 


5. The Wife, 


13. The Gamester, 


21. Pizarro, 


6. The Honeymoon, 


14. A Cure for the Heartache 


22. The Love Chase, 


7. The School for Scandal, 


15. The Hunchback, 


23. Othello, 


8. Money. 


16. Don Cassar de Bazan. 


24. Lend Me Five Shillings 


"With a Portrait and Memoir 


With a Portrait and Memoir 


With a Portrait and Memoir 


of Mrs. A. C. MOW ATT. 


of Mr. CHAS. KEAN. 


of Mr. WE. BURTON. 


VOL. IV. 


VOL. V. 


VOL. VI. 


25. Virginias, 


33. A New Way to Pay Old 


41. Speed the Plough, 


26. King of the Commons, 


Debts, 


42. Romeo and Juliet, 


27. London Assurance, 


34. Look Before You Leap, 


43. Feudal Times, 


28. The Rent D-iy, 


35. King John, 


44. Charles the Twelfth, 


29. Two Gentlemen of Ve- 


36. Nervous Man, 


45. The Bridal, 


roivi, 


37. Damon and Pythias, 


46. The Follies of a Night, 


30. The Jealous Wife, 


33. Clandestine Marriage, 


47. The. Iron Chest, 


31. The Rivals, 


39. William Tell, 


48. Faint Heart Never Won 


32. Perfection. 


40. Day after the Wedding. 


Fair Lady. 


With a Portrait and Memoir 


With a Portrait and Memoir 


With a Portrait and Memoir 


of Mr. J. H. HACKETT. 


of G. COLMAN the Elder. 


of E. BULWER LYTTON. 


VOL. VII. 


VOL. VIII. 


VOL. IX. 


49. Road to Ruin, 


57. The Apostate, 


65. Love, 


50. Macbeth, 


53. Twelfth Night, 


66. As You Like It. 


51. Temper, 


59. Brutus, 


67. The Elder Brother, 


52. Evadne, 


60. Simpson & -'o., 


68. Werner, 


53. Bertram, 


61. Merchant of Venice, 


69. Gisippus, 


54. The Duenna, 


62. Old Heads and Young 


70. Town and Country, 


55. Much Ado About No- 


Hearts, 


71. King Lear, 


thing, 


63. Mountaineers, 


72. Blue Devils. 


56. The Critic. 


64. Three Weeks after Mar- 


With aPortrait and Memoir 


With a Portrait and Memoir 


riage. 


of Mrs. SHAW. 


ofR. B.SHERIDAN. 


With a Portrait and Memoir 
of Mr. GEO. II. BARRETT. 




VOL. X. 


VOL. XL- 


VOL. XII. 


73. Henry VIII., 


81. Julius Cii ; sar, ' • • . 


>89. Ingomar, 


74. Married and Single, 


82*Vic ar of Wakefield,' ' • 


90. Sketches in India. 


75. Henry IV., 


83*. I/eap Year, 


91. Two Friends, 


76. Paul Pry, 


84. The Catspavv. 


92. Jane Shore. 


77. Guy Mannering, 


35. .The Passing Cloud, • ' 


93. Cors can Brothers, 


78. Sweethearts and Wives, 


86. Drunkard, . *? 


94. Mind your own Business 


79. Serious Family, 


87. Rob Roy.* , 


95. Writing on the Wall, 


80. She Stoops to Conquer. 


83. Geonie Barnwell, ' 


96. Heir at Law, 


With a Portrait and Memoir 


With a Portrait and Memoir 


With a Portrait and Memoir 


of Miss. C. CU3HMAN. 


of Mrs. JOHN SEFTON. 


of THOMAS HAMBL1N. 


VOL. XIII. 


VOL. XIV. 


VOL. XV. 


97. Soldier's Daughter, 


105. Game >f Love, [Dream. 


113. Ireland as it Is, 


98. Douglas, 


106. A Midsummer Night's 


114. Sea of Ice, 


98. Marco Spida, 


107. Ernestine, 


115. Seven Clerks, 


100. Nature's Nobleman, 


108. Rag Picker of Paris, 


116. Game of Life, 


101. Sardanapalus, 


109. Flying Dutchman, 


117. Forty Thieves 


102. Civilization. 


110. Hypocrite, 


118. Bryan Boroihme, 


103. The Robbers, 


HI. Thereto; 


119. Romance and Reality, 


104. Katharine & Petruchio. 


112. LaTourdeNesle. 


120. Cgolino. 


With a Portrait and Memoir 


With a Portrait and Memoir 


With a Portrait and Memoir 


of EDWIN FOREST. 


of JOHN BROUGHAM. 


of BARNEY WILLIAMS. 


1 Catalogue continued on third page of cover.] 



THE MINOR DRAMA 

3 

THE ACTING EDITION. 

No. CXXXV. 



NOTHING TO NURSE; 



2lit (Original $am, in <Dne Qd t 



BY CHARLES U. AVAL COT. 
a 

Author of "A Good Fellow]' " Hi-a-wa-tha" "One Coat for Two 

Suits" " The Custom of the Country" $c. t $& 

TO WHICH ARE ADDKD 

A description of the Costume — Cast of the Characters — Entrances and Exits — 
Relative Positions of the Performers on the Stage, and the whole of the 
.. Stage Business 



NEW YORK: 
SAMUEL FRENCH, 

122 Nassau Street, (Up Staiks.) 



* c I S if)* 







srlN/fc 



Cast of 6 bar act *rs. — [Nothing to Nurse.] 



As first performed at Laura Keene's Theatre, September, 1857, 



Mr. Maximum Muddle, Mr. Jefferson, 

Uncle Brads, - - Mr. J. II. Stoddart. 

Mr. Edward Ashton, Mr. Duncan. - - 

Mrs Foxingem, -------- Miss Wells. - - 

Bessie Foxingem, ------- Miss C. Jefferson. - -- 

Miss. Fanny Travers. Miss Charlotte Thompson. 

Scene, New York. — Period, the Present. 

Time of Action, one day. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 



L. means First Entrance Left. 11. First Entrance Right. S. E. L, 
Second Entrance, Left. S. E. R. Second Entrance, Right. U. E. L. 
Upper Entrance, Left. U. E. R. Upper Entrance, Right. C. Centre 
L. C. Left Centre. R. C. Right of Centre. T. E. L. Third Entranc,. 
Left. T. E. R. Third Entrance, Right. C. D. Centre Do r. D. R 
Door Right. D. L. Door Leftj U. D. L. Upper Door, Left U. D. R 
Upper Door, Right. "■ 4 » „ » * 

*** The reader is supposed to be on the Stage, facing the Audience. 



Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year One Thousand Eight Hundred and Fifty Seven, 
by CM. Walcot, in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for the 
Southern Distrist of New York. 



Nothing to Nurse. 



Scene. — A icell furnished parlor in the boarding Iwuseof Mrs. Foxingem in New 
York. Enter R. I. 3Irs. Foxingem and Bessie. 

Mrs. Fox. It's do use talking, Bessie, I won't listen to a word more 
on the subject ; Mr. Muddle is a kind good creature, and a well in- 
teutioned man enough, but you know, as well as I do, that he prospers 
at nothing that he undertakes. His Uacle Brads, the rich California 
merchant, has twice set him up in business and he has twice failed 
and now his uncle will have no more to do with him, except on con- 
dition of his marrying his cousin. Miss Fanny Travers, who wouldn't 
have him if he were worth a million. 

Bessie. But what hope have I of any richer or better match than poor 
dear Mr. Muddle ? I'm sure he's a perfect lamb in disposition, ma. 

Mrs. Fox. My dear, he owes me over three hundred dollars for board, 
if I lose that, as no doubt I shall, it will be bad enough, though I shall 
never think the worse of poor Muddle, but I can't afford to sacrifice my 
child to him, as well as my money. If I had plenty, you should have it, 
and the man of your heart : as I havent the one, [or he neither], you 
can't have the other. 

Bessie. Well, I think it's a great shame that uncles should insist on 
nephews marrying cousins when cousins don't care for nephews nor 
uncles neither. 

Mrs. Fox. All the result of having to depend upon uncles instead 
of upon himself. Now I'll tell you a secret which poor Muddle hasn't 
had the heart to tell you, though he confided it to me a year ago. That 
was the time of his first failure, wheu,his uncle thinking he was leading 
a dissolute squandering life, wrote him word that, if he married his 
cousin, he would make their first child his heir, and allow Muddle a 
handsome yearly amount for its education and care, during its minority. 
Finding himself inextricably involved, Muddle wrote to his uncle 



4 NOTHING TO NURSE. 

in the course of a month, that he had married Fanny Travers ; upon 
which, Uncle Brads, pleased with his nephew's obedience, released him 
from his difficulties, and assured him of the fulfilment of his promise, 
in favor of his first child. For the last two months he has been upon 
the point of failing again, and having succeeded so well in deceiving 
his uncle into the belief of his marriage, what does he now do, but 
write him word that the anxiously expected heir is born, and in the 
little stranger's name, asks a remittance in earnest of the promised settle- 
ment. To poor Muddle's confusion, Uncle Brads writes that he is 
delighted, and, having to go to Europe, will be in New York, by the 
next steamer, to embrace his obedient nephew, kiss his charming niece, 
dandle the baby, and, having made all pecuniary matters right, leave 
the next day for England. 

Bessie, Oh dear! oh dear, what will he do ! poor dear Mr. Muddle ! 

Mrs. Fox. What, indeed, it's hard to say, for he is totally unprepared 
as yet, and the California steamer is expected every hour. 

[Muddle heard without. L.] 
Now do remember there's a good girl, that I'm not at home to any one 
but my cousin. 

Bessie. Oh ! here comes poor dear Mr. Muddle ; let us run away, ma, 
for I never can restrain my feelings, and if I cry shall I only add to 
his distress by making my nose red — my eyes I mean. 

Mrs. Fox. Do as you please, child, but I must see the poor fellow, and 
try to assist him. 

Enter Muddle, hurriedly, d. l. 

Mud. All is lost now ! Oh to me love's sun is set forever ! 

Bessie. Oh don't, don't say so, Mr. Muddle. 

Mud. I hate to be unpleasant, but I repeat, with emphasis : all, all is 
lost now. Common sense, an article I have never dealt in largely, but 
nevertheless, count among the few spare items of my worldly goods ; 
common sense suggests that, all must be lost, when a man who could 
not induce any lovely virgin to smile upon him, one of the wealthy, 
curled darlings of our race, insists upon the smiles of maiden bash- 
fulness, (not to say feminine repugnance), gilding the threadbare suit 
of such a miserable devil as I am. Yet an uncle does this, my uncle, 
and with a knowledge of the idiosyncracy prominent in my composition; 
my inevitable tendency to get in debt and my utter incapacity ever to 
get out, he, the uncle aforesaid, insists upon my marrying an angel who 
will not become bone of the bone, and flesh of the flesh of the unusually 
mundane, not to say, of the earth, earthy individual Muddle. Then 
observe the position of Muddle — Muddle is about to fail ; Muddle never 
succeeds in doing anything else but fail ; but the aforesaid, (meaning 
uncle) tempts Muddle, and Muddle accommodates, the aforesaid. Uncle 
insists on a wife for Muddle; Muddle, unable to obtain that article of 
dry goods, forges an invoice thereof, obtains the remunerative, and is 
thereby enabled to fail, for a somewhat augmented amount, in the 
brief space of six calendar months; uncle has insisted on Muddle being a 
father or no more cash; Muddle is obedient, and announces, at the expira- 
tion of those six months, the happy consummation. 



NOTHING TO NURSE. «> 

Mrs. Fox. Mr. Muddle !— 

Mud. I know what you meau- -Presented before due, right — therefore 
you need not protest. However, notwithstanding the irregularity of the 
whole proceeding, uucle insists upon a child, as described in my note, 
and will be here in an hour to take it tip. An awful hour of reckoning 
is at hind, he says he is coming to feissmy lovely wife — ''iny wife, what 
wife ? I have do wife"— to embrace his obedient nephew : he'll hug a 
shadow ; to dandle my beautiful baby ; distraction. " There's nothing 
to nurse." 

Mrs. Fox. But have you thought of no way of appeasing your uncle, 
wis ■!■ he discovers the double cheat you have put upon him ? 
Mud. Not at all. I am the victim of circumstances (very bad circumstan- 
ces, aa mine always are. I admit) and the evil temptation of a too exact- 
ing relative. He'll accuse me of robbery, false pretences, and arson, for 
aught 1 know ; but before he abandons my unhappy creditors to despair, 
let him ask himself how far he was warranted in aiding and abetting 
my nefarious proceedings. 

Mrs. Fox. It certainly is most unfortunate that such brilliant pros- 
pects should be blighted, and by your own cousin too ; I'm sure Fanny 
Travers might, and perhaps will, get a much worse husband. 

Bessie. Oh ma, how can you ! 

Mud. You're very good, but spare Bessie, spare me, consider our 
tender though hopeless relations, and reflect that I am not to blame for 
the blindness of Fanny Travers. I can't marry a woman against her 
will, however much such an act would improve my position in the will 
of my uncle. But I have one effort yet to make, prior to an indefinite 
consumption of prussic acid, or an acrobatic precipitation of this frail 
anatomy from Niagara Suspension, or, to save time, say, Harlem High 
Bridge. 

Bessie. Oh. how romantic ! 

Mrs. Fox. What do you propose to do ? 

Mud. My obdurate cousin is utterly unconscious that I have repre- 
sented her to my uucle as my wife; imagine then the increased horror of 
my position, if they should meet before I have either persuaded her to 
lend herself to me as my wife till uncle's departure, or keep herself out 
of his sight. I have written her a note, requesting her to call here, as I 
have something of vital importance to communicate; her knock's the 
harbinger of my fate. [Loud knock i,,] And there it is. 

Bessie. Oh, come away ma, or I shall faint, I know I shall. 

Mrs. Fox. We'll leave you, my dear Muddle, and if you fail with your 
cousin, let me know, and I may hit on some plan to save you from yoiir 
uncle's anger, yet. 

Mud. Oh mum ! — Ob, Bessie ! I can only say, in the words of a French 
rustic, somewhat similarly situated— "all good angels bless and guard 
you." Exeunt Mrs. Fox and Bkssie r. 

There's a new tag for the " Distressed Mother," and uow for the last 
act of '• A Bold Stroke for a Wife." 

Enter Fanny Travers, r. 
My dear Fanny, most lovely, but most obdurate of cousins, I'm de- 
lighted, or, perhaps, I should say. distracted to see you. 



6 NOTHING TO NURSE. 

Fanny. Well Cousin Muddle, what do you require of me now, that, as 
usual, it is impossible for me to grant? 

Muddle. Nothing, nothing, Fanny — for instance imprimis, to take a 
chair [hands a chair, she sits.] secondly not to jump oat of it like a sky- 
rocket at what I have to relate ; and thirdly, to insure me from becom- 
ing a vis-a-vis corpse in mine [he sits] by acceding to the ridiculously 
mild request of a respectable but unfortunate relative in the last stage 
of despair. 

Fanny, Cousin Muddle, provided it is not upon the ancient suit, 
proceed, with care, but confidence. 

Mud. Fanny. « ; there is a tide " 

Fanny. As I have read, and you frequently remarked. 

Mud. Exactly. — Forcible 

Fanny. But not new. 

Mud." Clearly — ahem ! Fanny ! [very forcibly, ,] 

Fanny. Cousin, don't be galvanic. 

Mud. [very wildly,'] Fanny— I won't.— [tearfully'] Fanny, you see be- 
fore you a wretch whose fate is in your bands ; a mere glance at exist- 
ing facts will probably present him in your eyes as a malefactor, of too 
deep a dye ever to wash with any prospect of purification. 

Fanny. Muddle, you alarm, but don't surprise me. 

Mud. Fanny, that you are calm, I can bear witness, that you are 
complimentary, your bitterest enemy might assert in vain. 

Fanny. Cousin, exchange the sarcastic for the didactic, or I shall 
abaudon the sedentary for the valedictory. 

[Rising — he gently forces her to sit. 

Mud. Sweetly worded. — Fanny, here goes : you wouldn't marry me. 

Fanny. Muddle, say couldn't. 

Mud. Split the difference, and make it " rather not." 

Fanny. As much to the point, and equally true. 

Mud. Thank you. — Fanny. Uncle Brads insisted on my marrying you. 

Fanny. Uncle Brads missed it for once. 

Mud. No Fanny, he didn't, as far as he knows. [Fanny starts up and 
holds by her chair, Muddle imitates her action, and they face each other.] 

Fmny. " As far as he knows I" 

Mud. As far as he knows ! 

Fanny. [Greatly excited.] A horrible suspicion flashes on my mind ; 
Muddle, you haven't. 

Mud. Fanny, I have ! 

Fanny. What? I won't anticipate : speak, sharply, shortly, satisfac- 
torily. 

Mud Homcepathically ? 

Fanny. No, Cautery, Lancet, Scalpel— quick ! 

Mud. Year ago ; notes protested, annual complaint, suspension of 
payment, knocked so high, couldn't get down. Uncle inflexible, no 
more hope of Brads unless I married you and got settled: married, 
I couidu't get ; settled I was, without Brads. Ruin urged, desperation 
spurred, I wrote, I lied, I prospered, said I was married. 

fanny, [gasping,] To ! to — 



NOTHING TO NURSE. I 

Mud. To— 

Fan. To— 

Mud. You! 

Both drop iido their chairs, Fanny stamping and screaming, Muddle at first 
as if fainting, but suddenly trying to hold Fanny still Mrs Fox and Bessie, 
run on at R. H. exci timing ; 
What's the mailer, what's the matter? 

Bessie. Oh, Mr. Muddle, what have you doue ? 

Mud. Killed her, I've not the slightest doubt. 

Takes cJiair to R. and throws himself into it. 
She insisted ou a full course of allopathic treatment, and that's the re- 
sult. During the foregoing speeches Mrs. Fox has applied smelling bottle to 
FANNY, while Bessie chafe* her hands, as she recovers. Bessie turns to Muddle. 

Bessie. Oh here's poor Mr. Muddle too. in a most debilitated state, ma. 

Mrs. Fox. Pour him out a glass of wine, child. 

Bessie. [Running to sideboard and pouring out wine.] Homoepathically ? 

Mud. No, no. I scorn to shrink from the common peril. — Allopathic. 
[Drinks a full glass.] Fanny I'll risk it, we can but die together. [Drinks 

another glass.] 

3Irs. Fox. Bessie my dear, he's getting desperate ; don't be a party to 
bis rash conduct, put the wine away directly. 

Bessie It don't seem to disagree with him, ma. 

Mrs. Fox. Perhaps uot, love, but it affects me sensibly to see him so 
indifferent to the quantity he's taking : put it down directly. 

[Bessie replaces wine &fc, on sideboard. 

Fumy. [JSising,] Where is the wretch, the imposter, the false appro- 
priator of another's goods. 

Mud. That's me ! 

Mrs. Fox. Be calm, my dear, there's no great harm done ; Muddle will 
really be the only sutterer ; I know what he has done. 

Fanny. You do. and are not overwhelmed, disgusted at his conduct ? 
Oh. I could expire at the bare idea of being thought to be his wife. 

Mud That's encouraging. Oh, Fanny don't be so hardhearted, con- 
sider my situation. I'm not deliberately base ; my acts are the result 
of erroneous education ; when I was a twig I might have been bent the 
right way. but I wasn't ; that's my misfortuue, not my fault. Parents 
are lo blame, for as the proverb gays : " they bring up a child, and 
away he goes." 

Fanny. Oh fiddle, faddle ! 

Mud Oh Fanny ! don't swear. 

Mrs. Fox. Come come, shake hands, and be friends, there's no time 
to be lost in quarrelling, you wouldn't injure Mr. Muddle I'm sure. 
Stj Bessie, you go and watch so that you may give us notice if Uncle 
Brads arrives, and let us three see if we can't devise some plan to avert 
his resentment. 

Bessie. Yes ma, I'll go ; anything I can do, of course I will [aside,] it's 
very wretched to be sent away at the most interesting moment, though. 

[Exit. L. D. 

Mrs. Fox. Now Mr. Muddle, you said you had some proposition to 
make, I'm a plain woman, and 1 say. out with it. 



8 NOTHING TO BTURSE. 

Mud, You are a plain woman ma'am, one of the plainest women I 
know, and under the sanction of your advice, I will venture to state 
that, my hopes of succeeding with my uncle, still depend on my im- 
placable cousin. 

Fanny. On me! what ? how can 1 be further implicated in your de- 
ception ? 

Mud. Don't be alarmed. I'm not going to ask you to marry me in 
earnest, but if von would, Oh if you would only just allow me to represent 
you to Uncle Brads as my wife for one day, till he ends his abominably 
distressing visit by sailing for Europe, you would save me from those 
impending vials of wrath to which mere allopathic doses of vengeance 
are as catnip tea to calomel. 

Mrs. Fox. And she will help you in such a trifling matter as that, 
now won't you dear, for all our sakes ? 

Mud. Oh Fanny, if you only would. 

Finny. Oh dear, oh dear ! you'll drive me mad between you, that s 
what you will. You force me, drive me to appear unkind and heart- 
less, when nothing is farther from my disposition. 

Mrs. Fox. (jCoa<singly.) — Yes, yes, we know it dear. 

Mud. Yes, we know it, dear. 

Mrs. Fox. So say you will, like a kind girl, and — 

Fanny. I can't, I can't ; oh dear, oh dear, 1 can't. Promise me on 
your honors not to betray my secret, and I will convince you of the 
impossibility of my acceding to your request. 

Mrs. Fox. Of course we promise. 

Mud. (Holds up Mrs. F's hand in a theatrically, solemn manner). In fact, 
we swear. 

Fanny. You do? 

Mrs /'. and Mud. We do. 

Fanny. I'm married ! 

Mrs. F. Married ? 

Mud. Married? 

Funny. Married for more than a year past, to Edward Ashton. At 
the vers time that cousin Muddle was first so importunate in his 
addresses, i had the utmost difficulty to prevent Edward from shooting 
him on the spot whenever they met. for I even then was Mrs. Ashton. 

Mud. Oh Fanny ! do I owe my life to you ? 

Fanny. Don't mention it, that's nothing. But think of the thousand 
straits you've placed me in. Married clandestinely, and only Ed- 
ward's mother (with whom I have been staying on a visit ever since,) 
cognizant of the union, picture my constant alarm lest you should 
importune my father for my hand, and so bring about the discovery of 
my marriage, and his terrible anger. 

Mrs. Fox. But he must know it some day. 

Fanny. But we hope not till Edwar'd succeeds to a partnership in the 
firm he is with, and then papa would not. 1 think, object. 

Mud. But why need this highly imprudent step, ill-Judged as it Avas, 
prevent you from still passing as my wife for a few hours'? As a really 
married woman you know all about the matter, and could do it beau- 
tifully. 



NOTHING TO NUR$E. 

3frs. Fox. Really, that's not unreasonable. 

Mud. Not at all ; besides. I rather prefer married women, I think. 

Mrs. Fox. Mr. Muddle ! 

Mud. I mean I recollect that, from my earliest infancy I certainly 
preferred my mother to either of my sisters. 

Fanny. Oh. but it would be worse than madness, it would be invit- 
ing crime should I lend myself to you in this business ; for if Edward 
came to know it he would shoot you then, immediately. 

Mud. I am far from tempting Edward to jeopardize his neck, so we'll 
abandon the operation, for Edward's sake. But ah, delightful thought ! 
there is yet, possibly, an agent to which you can assist me, who will 
imperil nobody and save me from destruction. 

Fanny. To whom can you allude? 

Mud. When in the course of human events Edward took to himself a 
wife, he may have calculated that a benignant Provinence might one 
dav bless his happy hearthstone with an heir. 

Mrs. Fox. {Severely). Mr. Muddle ! 

Mud. Good gracious, ma'am ! if a married man may n't have chil- 
dren, why are the yearnings of consanguinity planted in our breasts? 
I speak advisedly — if, if I say, propitious fate has sent Edward an heir, 
or even an heiress, (for I am not fastidious.) Edward's kind and gentle 
wife probably might, certainly could, and possibly would, permit that 
sacred pledge to pay a short visit to this highly respectable boarding 
house, to be admired for half an hour by the inmates in general, and 
an expected visitor of the name of Brads, in particular. 

Fanny. Oh, no indeed ! have my darling presented in the light of an 
impostor, never. 

Mrs. Fox.. Why, my dear Fanny, I see no great objection. Send your 
nurse with the dear babe on a visit to me, remain at home while it is 
here, and when I return it to you, you will know that uncle Brads is 
safe on board the steamer for England, and poor dear Muddle, as the 
supposed father, mind, I say supposed, (for we will leave that to uncle 
Brads' sympathetic imagination ;) poor Muddle, I say, will be relieved 
from all his embarrassments, and owe his happiness, in fact, to you 
alone. 

Mud. Beautifully arranged ; nothing could be better. Uncle insists 
on wife, obedient nephew and little stranger. I may get along without 
the wife ; I can double the obedience of the nephew ; but I shall soon 
have '• Nothing to Wear," " Nothing to Do,'' and, consequently, 
" Nothing to Eat," if I'm caught, after all, with "Nothing to Nurse." 

Fanny. {Laughing.) Well there, say no more ; it is but a frolic at 
most, and so I will send baby to you, and keep closely closeted myself, 
till uncle Brads is gone again. 

Mud. You will ? Oh kind, beneficent angel, what a treasure I might 
have had {Fanny shakes her head at him) if I'd only had luck. But huz- 
za ! huzza! I foresee an end of all my troubles. My heart goes thump, 
thump, thump, as loud as {loud double knock,) uncle's knock, by jingo ! 
\Enter Bessie hastily, L. D.] 

Bessie. He's come ! he's come ! and Bridget is showing him into the 
drawing-room. 



10 NOTHING TO NURSE. 

Mrs. Fox. Run, run. my clear Fanny, through my room and down the 
back stairs, and mind you send the dear baby directly, 

Fanny. Depend on me ; when I promise a thing you may rely on it. 

Mud. Blessings on you. [Grasping her hand.) 

Fanny. Oh (iddle-de-de ! 

Mud. Swearing again. [Exit Fanny, u. d.] 

Mrs. Vox. Come Bessie, we li go do.vn and wait the arrival of baby. 
I leave you Muddle, to satisfy your uncle for the absence of your wife. 
by which time 1 will, as nurse for the occasion, present my lovely 
charge. So success to your interview. 

Mud. " Hope springs elerual in the human breast.'' 

You need n't wait, as I don't know the rest. 

[Exeunt Mrs. Sf Miss Fox. u. Uncle Brads outside, L.] 

Brads. In this room to the right, is he ? Ay, ay, I see ; that 'II do. 
I'll find him. 

Mud. I feel an insane desire to knock him down, and run away the 
momeut he enters. 

[Enter uncle Brads, L. D ] 

Brads. Where is he ? Ah! my boy, I'm devlish glad to see you; 
give us your hand. You 'ie a dutiful fellow though you are unfortu- 
nate, and I am heartily glad to see you. 

Mud. My dear uncle I'm overjoyed to embrace you. Do. do let me 
actually embrace you. I beg! 

Brads. Cotm- to my arms my lad. 

Mad. (I? arts into Brads' anas and speaks over hi.s shoulder aside.) Here's 
a chance to garrotl hira and bolt. 

Brads. Ay. ay. that's hearty : but where's your wife, the daughter 
of my old schoolfellow Travers? 'God boy. marriage don't seem to 
have improved you much. 

Mud. Evidently not much. 

Brads. Your wife I hope is — 

Mud. Why no, uncle, she is not. I've no doubt she will be soon, but 
at present she is not. (I don't know what, but it's safe to say she's not.) 
(Aside). 

Brads. But where is s-he, I must judge for myself. Come, trot her 
out trot her out, no hanging Are. 

Mud. Far from it. \m dear uncle, but Ihe fact is, Fanny has gone 
into the country fo- the benefit of her health, (aside — and my pocket,) 
and won't be hum • till next week. I knew it would disappoint you, 
but I feared to bring her back loo soon, as the consequences might 
prove fatal to her [aside] ^n<l would be inevitable destruction to me. 

Brads. Well, well, I am disappointed I confess, but as her health is 
at stake we must overlook it. Show me the baby ; that I must see, for 
if she has it with her we mu4 s end after it. 

Mud. The baby, my dear uncle ? No, no, I couldn't part with the 
baby. [Aside] Heaven only knoAS my agony to obtain it. 

Brads. Ah! that's right my boy, and I'll show you that I have not 
been unmindful of the little rogue neither. [Feeling in /us pocket.] Eh! 
why, bless me, I thought I had some nick nacks for it in my pocket, 



NOTHING TO NURSE. 11 

but I must have put them in my trunk. No matter, have the baby 
brought in while I run to my room and see what I can find for him. 
Bye the bye, is it a him ? you did n't mention whether it is a boy or a 
girl. 

Mud. I didn't? well, that is remarkable! [Aside.'] And I never 
thought to ask Fanny which it is. hut !* suppose the chances are it's a 
boy, or a child, so I'il risk it. [Aloud.'] I du declare now, that is most 
singular ; why, it's a boy, of course, my dear uncle, and such a boy ! 

Brads. So much the better, huzzah ! have him in, and "cod I'll dan- 
dle the young rascal with the best of 'em 

[Exit Brads, L. I.] 

Mud. [Rushes to R. h. and pulls bell incessantly.'] This is the crisis of 
my late ; if the child hasn't arrived I think I'd better jump out of the 
window ; it's not above forty feet or so to the ground. He stands the 
absence of my wife like a brick, but what will he say if there's "Noth- 
ing to Nurse V 

Enter Mrs. Fox. with baby, r. d. Muddle ceases to ring, ana 
seizes the child. 

Mud. My guardian cherub! 

Mrs. Fox. Take care, for Heaven's sake, you'll shake the poor little 
girl's life out of her. 

Mud. [Holding it out alarms length.] The what? Woman, are you 
desirous that I should drop this image of Edward Ashtou and break 
it? 

Mrs. Fox. Mercy on me, not for the world ! 

Mud. Then unsay that word — " girl." There are three genders, as 
you must be well aware — the masculine, the feminine, and the neuter. 
If you can't make it masculine, call it neuter, you may, but feminine 
never ! 

Mrs. Fox. Is the man mad? I tell you it is a girl ; and what does 
that signify ? 

Mud. [Giving her the baby.] As a general thing, not much ; but 
when one is asked the sex of one's own infant, and one unhesitatingly 
declares it to be male, to attempt to demonstrate that fact by the pro- 
duction of a female child, would be simply ridiculous, and you know it. 

Mrs. Fox. Production of a fiddlestick ! What do you mean by " pro- 
duction ?" 

Mud. I don't quite know 7 at present ; that question has yet to be 
decided. 

Mrs. Fax. You surely haven't told your uncle that the child is a 
boy? 

Mud. I haven't told him anything else. 

Mrs. Fox. Well, that's a pretty kettle of fish ! 

Mud. Good gracious ma'am, your metaphor is absolutely bewilder- 
ing ; what can a child of three months old, male or female, have to 
do with fiddlesticks or fish kettles ? 

Mrs. Fox. Well, in plain English then, what do you mean to do now? 

Mud. I've not the remotest idea; the only comfort I have is, that 
(boys or girls) all babies look alike ; and it is not reasonable to suppose 



12 NOTHING TO NURSE. 

that the poor things' own granduncle will subject it to a rigid cross- 
examination. 

[Enter Bessie r. d. hastily. 

Bessi'. Oil dear me ! oh Mr. Muddle ! what's to be done now ? Here's 
Mr. Edward Ash Ion in the hall, and he's come for the baby ! 

Maud. [Seizes the baby from Mrs. Fox and rushes off l. d.] 

Mrs. Fox What's the man doing 1 [Running after him.] Mr. Muddle, 
come back this moment, [pulling Muddle back by his coat, he resisting ,~\ and 
give me the child directly. 

Mud. Never! never! never! By its own mother's bond and cove- 
nant it's min< j at least pro tr-m. ; and I'll not give it up. I say '• this 
pound of flesh if mine, and I will have it." 

[Edward Ashton heard, l. d. outside.] 

Edward. I will not wait another moment. 

[Muddle makes another rush towards r. d., but is caught and 
stopped, by Mrs. Fox. Enter Edward Ashton, l. v. ] 

Edward. In his arms ! Why have I not my pistols? 

Mrs. Fox. For Heaven's sake, Mr. Ashton, what do you mean by 
such language . ? Your child is perfectly safe in Mr. Muddle's arms. 

Mud. As safe as if invested in Pennsylvania coal. 

Edward. Safe, or not safe, 1 don't, choose my child to be in Mr. Mud- 
dle's arms, and so Mr. Muddle will instantly transfer her to mine. 

Mud. Oh ! heartless parent, ; he talks of me as if I were playing the 
patent safe game on him ; and of his infant, as if she were so much 
mere stock. * 

Edward. Come, sir. I wan't none of your foolery, but my child, this 
instant ! 

Bessie. [Aside.] I'll go and ask our boarder, lawyer Smart, if he's 
obliged to part with it. [Exit L. D.] 

Mud. No, not to you. Go. little stranger ; you're a singular color at 
present, but the time will come when fair maiden will not be an inap- 
propriate appellation. I restore you to the arms from whence you 
came [gives baby to Mrs. Fox] and with you all my hopes of fair pros- 
perity. 

Mrs. Fox. Now, really, Mr. Ashton, you are too severe on poor Mr. 
Muddle ; and why you should be in such a hurry to take away the 
dear baby. I cannot conceive. 

Edw. To you madam. 1 have no hesitation in offering an apology 
for my seemingly indecent haste. The fact is, I have this day been 
made a partner in our firm, and therefore feel secure in announcing 
my marriage to mj Fanny's father, and placing our infant in his 
arms. 

Mrs. Fox. Under the circumstances, sir. I have not a word of objec- 
tion to advance, (gives the baby to Edward) but if you knew the advan- 
tages to be derivved from the dear child's presence here for a few 
hours. I hardly think you would deprive us of it. 

Edw. Advantages! whose advantage*, madam? 

Muddle [passionately],. Away with subterfuge ! Mine, ruthless rival, 



NOTHING TO NURSE. 13 

mine ! An uncle's blessing, and the hopes of anxious creditors, hung 
on that infant's visit ; now, fierce anathema and Eldridge St. alone 
await us. 

Edw. Ah ha ! indeed ! and so my innocent child was to be made an 
instrument to trick an unsuspecting uncle, and so invade his purse. 
Wretch! I am indeed rejoiced that I have come in time to prevent 
your base deception. [Going l. d.] 

Muddle. {Seizing and stopjring Edward, imploringly.'] Oh not that way ! 
at least not that way out — if you will go, you must, but oh, be merci- 
ful, and in the words of the poet, go " down the back stairs and let 
nobody see." 

Mri. Fox. Come, Mr. Ashton, you will not be so hard as to deny us 
that, for I too, ask you the same favor. 

Edio. Well madam, if by so doing I can serve or oblige you, I consent 

[Crossing to r. d.] but Muddle may thank his stars that he has your 

intercession ; for, for hirn, I have nothing but my pistol and — contempt. 

[Exit Edw. Ash. R. D. — Muddle sinks into a chair and groans. 

Mrs. Fox. Now we are undone to a certainty. 

[Uncle Brads calls outside L. 

Brads. Here Max, come here, I want you. 

[Muddle jumps up in great alarm. 

Muddle. — He's coming — I'm a dead man ! 

Mrs. Fox. I haven't courage to encounter him, and he'd better 
suppose I am occupied with the baby in some way — do try to pacify 
him for a while, and something may turn up yet. 

[Exit Mrs Fox R. d. 

Enter uncle Brads, l. d. 

Brads. Confound you Max, why did not you come when I called : 
I wanted to show you some gold quartz I have in my trunk ; but never 
mind, another time will do as well ; where's the baby ? see here, I 
have an elegant coral and bells for him, and a set of corals for his 
little neck and frock, and — but where is the young rogue, eh ? 

Muddle. The young rascal was here a fe.w minutes ago, uncle, but 
nurse said he complained of a pain in his toe, 1 can't say his great toe, 
tho' I mean that toe which iu the common course of events will no 
doubt, one day, be his great toe. 

Brads. A pain in his toe ! in his stomach more likely — what can be 
the matter with his toe ? 

Muddle. Well, I really don't know, unole — but I should say gout, 
most likely, gout generally attacks the toe I believe. 

Brads. Gout ! a child three month's old with the gout ! 

Muddle. No, it's not common, I know, but I have heard nurse say 
that her husband used to surfer fearfully with gout, and she may have 
caught it of her busband and baby may have caught it of nurse. 

Brads. Caught the devil ; whoever heard of the gout being conta- 
gious. I'm half inclined to believe you're humbugging me, sir. 

Muddle. You're not serious uncle, you dont suspect such a thing as 
that? 

Brads. Well I don't know, let me see this gouty baby of yours, and 



14 NOTHING TO NURSE. 

I'll judge for myself. I've some peppermint candy in my trunk, which 
I guess is all the mediciuu his goal will require. I'll go and fetch it, 
and mind you have my patient here when I come back. [Exit L. D.] 
Muddle. — This continuous suspense amounts to the most exquisite 
torture. I'm so nervous that I feel all over like one large sore place. 

Enter Bessie. 

Bessie. Oh Mr. Muddle— you've another chance. I went and con- 
sulted our boarder Mr. Smart, the attorney, whether you were com- 
pelled to give up the baby to Mr. Ashton, and when I told him what 
you wanted the baby for, he said you might as well let it go, for he 
could borrow one for you ; and sure enough what did he do but got 
Dr. Tool to go and ask a patient of his to lend him her baby for a few 
hours, and she did, and he brought it away with him, and ma is 
coming up stairs with it at this moment 

Muddle. [Overjoyed.'] My blessing on Smart ! My prayers for Tool ! 
there's life in a muscle, >'ud I'm not dead yet. 

Bessie. Here's ma with the blessed child. 

Enter Mrs. F. r. o. 

Mrs. F. My dear Muddle here's another baby, and better than all, it 
is a boy this time. 

Muddle. il Is this a male child that I see before me ! come, let me 
clutch thee !" [Attempts to take it. 

Mrs. F. Stop stop — you musn't touch it. Nobody must touch it, 
I've promised that even its face shall not be seen. I confess I don't 
see how we can satisfy your uncle without letting him see it, but such 
were the conditions imposed on me and [ yielded to them rather than 
not have the child at all, and so we must manage as best we can. I 
believe the poor little thing has the jaundice, or something of that 
kind, and its mother will not have its infirmity exposed. 

Muadle. My luck again — I said my child had something the matter 
with its toe, and ventured to suggest gout, aud now it turns out to be 
jaundice ; it's absurd to suppose the child afflicted with jaundice in the 
big toe. 

Mrs. Fox. Hush, here's your uncle— second what I say and we may 
get the best of him yet. 

Enter uncle Brads, l. d. 

Brads. Oh, so you've got the baby here at last, have you ? 

Muddle. Yes, uncle, here he is, and a bouncer too, I promise you. 
When he's in health he's as spry as an eel, and crows like a young 
rooster. 

Brads. Well, the pain in his toe don't ailect his voice I suppose, 
does it? 

Muddle. Oh not the least in the world ; nurse, stick a pin a little way 
into him, and make him squeal. 

Brads. Confound you, you brute, what do you mean by that? Give 
me the child, nurse, and I'll warrant I can test his lungs without 
pricking him. 



NOTHING TO NURSE. 15 

Mrs. Fox. Pardon me sir, but I must insist. In my capacity of nurse, 
(and consequently responsible to the dear child's mother for its well 
being.) that you do not expose its precious face to the air ; the darling 
babe has a slight touch of the jaundice, and doctor Tool says that, the 
least exposure might be fatal to us. 

Brads. Oh. now it's the jaundice, is it ? just now it had the gout in 
its big toe. Why zounds and the devil, I believe you're all in a 
conspiracy to prevent me seeing the child. 

Muddle.. No uncle, not so ; but why fly in the face of the doctor ? 
be satisfied with the sound of its voice — nurse, a slight pinch, just to 
satisfy uncle that the child is a child, more can't in reason be 
demanded of it ; we know its beauties, but we are not vain, and will 
forego the admiration its sweet face would call forth rather than risk 
its precious health. 

Brads. Will you, well I wont do anything of the sort, so I insist on 
seeing it. . [Approaching Mrs F.] 

Mrs. Fox. Forbear sir. I have pledged my word to Dr. Tool, and I 
will kepp is at all hazards. 

Muddle. [Assuming grief.'] Uncle, you know I would refuse you 
nothing ; but don*t insist on the destruction of my only child. Pause 
ere you become responsible for so grave a crime, and then, if relent- 
lessly you persist in your resolve, prepare to read in its cherub 
features, all beaming of its angel mother, that parent's denunciation of 
your fatal cruelty. 

Brads, Fatal fal-lal. 

Muddle. Mistaken metaphor — I say forbear ! 

Brads. 1 say I wont. 

Mrs. Fox. Then I will not remain. [Going.] 

Brads. Stay where you are ma'am. 

Muddle. Go madam, go, and save my precious babe. 

Brads. One peep I will have or the devil's in it 
[Snatches baby jrom Mrs. E, uncovers its face and discovers it to 
be a nigger ; the ladies scream — Muddle drops into a chair 
and throws his handkerchief over his face.] 

Brads. A young devil, by all that's damnable ! take it away some of 
you, take it, or I shall throw it out ot the window. Here you infa- 
mous blackguard, take your cherub with its mother's angel face. 

[Muddle jumps up and walks away. 

Muddle. Don't bring it near me, I told you what exposure would 
produce, and now I hope you're satisfied. 

Brads. Exposure with a vengeance. Here ma'am, take your precious 
Charge I say, and let me leave the house for ever. 

Enter Fanny and Edw. Ashton, l. d. 

Fanny. Not in anger my dear sir, I beseech you. But what in the 
name of all that's dark and mysterious have you got there ? 

Brads. My precious nephew's cherub, with what he calls your argef 
face. 

Edward. Scoundrel ! have you dared 



16 NOTHING TO NURSE. 

Fanny. {Laughing violently.] Don't Edward, don't for pity's sake be 
angry, for this is too good a joke for anything but laughter. 

Brads. {Having laid the baby on a sofa or arm chair.'] I'm glad you like 
it, but perhap's you'll be good enough to point out where the laugh 
comes in. 

Fanny. Yes, my dear sir, I will with pleasure, for that's what brought 
me here. Poor cousin Muddle don't deserve your anger, though the 
story of his wife and child was all a fabrication. 

Muddle. I may now safely indulge in the metaphorical assertion 
that, my cake is all dough. 

Brads. A fabrication ! 

Muddle. Uncle, it is a melancholy, but not the less a stern and 
horrid fact. 

Brads. Curse me if I didn't half suspect it. 

Muddle. [Joyously.'] You did ? my dear uncle, then at least I have 
the satisfaction of having only half disappointed you. 

Brads. Go to the devil ! 

Fanny. Nay my dear sir, listen to me, and reason. You desired 
cousin Muddle to marry me ; cousin Muddle, I assure you, tried his 
best to obey yon. but at the very time that he commenced his suit I 
was, unknown to almost every one, alreudy the wife of this gen- 
tleman. 

Mrs. Fox. And for the episode on the sofa, believe me, sir, that all 
of us, as much as you, are the victims of a hoax. A child we certainly 
sought to pass upon you as Mr. Muddle's, but our crime was never 
intended to be of quite so deep a dye. 

Brads. Well, at any rate, between the lot of you I've been made a 
precious fool of, and I may throw my bells and corals and all the little 
nick-nacks I intended for my heir, into the fire, or out of the window. 
[Muddle, who has been talking with Bessie, brings her forward] 

Muadle. No uncle, dont do anything of the sort ; have a little 
patience, and with your consent and the blessing of providence, the 
bells and corals may be available yet. [Presenting Bessie. 

Brads. What ! do you really and honestly mean to say that this 
sweet girl will marry you ? 

Bessie. Yes, if you please sir. 

Brads. You will ? then by George you have my consent with all my 
heart. Better late than never — take her, you scamp, but mind, no 
more disappointments. 

MvMle. My dear uncle, you make me the happiest, as I will prove 
the most grateful of men. You know " 'Tis not in nature to command 
success, but we'll do more, dear uucle, we'll deserve it." Mother-in- 
law, if I may call you so, you wont object now uncle gives conseut ? 

Mrs. Fox. No my dear sir, for your uncle's kind forgiveness I'll give 
anything, even my dear child. 

Muddle. HTizza ! huzza ! Muddle's a made man at last. [To 
Audience.] Grant us your kind indulgence, beyond that we've Nothing 
to ask, with it we shall have Nothing to fear, for then we don't care 
how often we publish the fact of, " Nothing to Nurse." 



[Catalogue 

VOL. XVI. 

121. The Tempest, 

122. The Pilot, 

123. Carpenter of Rouen, 

124. King's Rival, 

125. Little Treasure, 

126. Domby & Son, 
127 Parents and Guardians, 
128. Jewess. 



continued from second page 

VOL. XVII. 

129. Camille 

130. Mnrried Life, 

131. Wenlockof Wenlock 

132. Rose of Ettrickvale, 

133. David Copperfield 



134. Aline or the Rose of 

135. Pauline, [Killarney, 

136. Jane Eyre. 



of cover."] 

VOL. XVIII. 

Night and Morning, 
iEthiop, 

Three Guardsmen, 
Tom Cringle, 
Henriette.the Forsak'n 
Eustache Baudin, 
Ernest Maltravers, 
Bold Dragoons. 



VOL. XIX. 

145. Dred -, or, the Dismal 163. 

Swamp. 154. 

146. Last Days of Pompeii 

147. Esmeralda. 156. 

148. Peter Wilkins. 156. 

149. Ben, the Boatswain. 157. 

150. Jonathan Bradford. 158. 

151. Retribution. 169. 
162. Mineralli. 160. 



VOL. XX. 

French Spy 161 

Wept of Wish-toa-162 

Wish. 
Evil Genius. 
B-nBolt. 
Sailor of France. 
Red Mask. 
Life of an Actress, 
Wedding Day. 



VOL. XXI. 

All's Fair in Love. 
Hofer. 

163 Self. 

164 Cinderella. 

165. Phantom. 

166. Franklin. 

167. The Gun Maker of 
Moscow. 

168. The Love of a Prince. 



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6. His Last Legs, 

7. The Invisible Prince, 

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49. Box and Ox Married 

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15. St. Patrick's Eve, 

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34. Who Speaks First, 

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36. Macbeth Travestie, 

37. Irish Ambassador, 
38- Delicate Ground, 

39. The Weathercock, 

40. All that Glitters is not 

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With a Portrait and Memoir 
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VOL. VIII. 

57. Morning Call, 

58. Popping the Question, 

59. Deaf as a Post, 

60. New Footman, 

61. Pleasant Neighbor, 

62. Paddy the Piper, 

63. Bryan O'Lynn, 

64. Irish Assurance. 



VOL. XL 

81. O'Flannigan andFairies 

82. Irish Post, 

83. My Neighbor's Wife, 

84. Irish Tieer. 

85. P. P. or Man and Tiger, 

86. To Oblise Benson, 

87. State Secrets, 
.88. Irish Yankee. 



VOL. XIV. i 

105. The Demon Lover. 113. 

106. Matrimony. 114. 

107. In and Out of Place. 115. 

108. I Din<> with my 116. 

109. Hiawatha. [Mother. 117. 

110. Andy Blake. (118. 

111. Love in '76. [culties. 119. 

112. Romance under Diffi 1 120. 



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19. The Jacobite, [pers, 

20. The Bottle, 

21. Box and Cox, 

22. Bamboozling, 

23. Widow's "Victim, 

24. Robert Macaire. 

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43. Bloomer Costume, 

44. Two Bonnycastles, 

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47. 'Twould Puzzle a Con- 

48. Kill or Cure. [juror, 
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71 Married Rake, 

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A Good Fellow, 
Cherry and Fair Star, 

*Gale Breezely, 

Our Jemimy, 

• Miller's Maid, 
Awkward Arrival, 
Crossing the Line, 

Conjugal Lesson. 

VOL. XV. 

One Coat for Two 
A Decided Case. [Suits. 
Daughter. [MiDority. 
No ; or the Glorious 
Coroner's Inquisition. 
Love in Humble Life. N 
Spoiled Child. : 
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